I hate you

There will be days where I don't find it difficult to live a life without you.
and when I feel like everything is going great, I go back to my own dark zone.

It is like my heart is not allowing me to forget about you, to stop loving you.
Whenever I think I'll be okay and that I'm content with how I feel about you, I fuck up and miss you even more.

Where did all of this go wrong? What the hell did I do? Everyday I think about this and try to dig and dig and dig to find the answer.

Maybe one day I'll understand, but for now I am unable to accept the fact that your feelings just went away that quick. I thought you were different, I thought finally I am able to be comfortable with someone.

I never realized how bad you made me feel. I am traumatized by your love. I am unable to love now, and I think love is bullshit. I don't believe anything a guy tells me now and it's all because of you and your fake promises and your crappy smile.

that fucking smile.

I hate your two front teeth.
I hate your green eyes and how your pupils are big at night and small in the afternoon.
I hate your deep voice and how it calms me down when I listen to you talk.
I hate your cheeky laugh.
I hate your ability to talk back at my sarcasm.
I hate your neatly done blonde hair.
I hate your perfume smell.
I hate your muscles.
I hate your affections towards me everytime we see each other.

I hate your everything.

What do you do when you miss someone?

I miss you alot and my fingers are itching to text you but I know nothing good can come from it. I guess that's why I decided not to text you because I know if I did, it will be another setback for me.

I am scared if I look for you, you do not respond the way I want you to. Especially after you have read my article maybe now you think I'm a pathetic girl. I really want to exit myself out of this fantasy I have of you.

I keep reminding myself that you do not love me, you're just lonely. But as much as I repeat that in my mind, I still want you to be with me. I don't know if this is an obsession or pure love. I'm getting confused myself.

I think of you every minute of every day and it is very tiring but I can't help myself rewinding the good times we had. Even though it was just for a little while. You told me you weren't happy with our relationship before but I really don't understand what I did wrong and what happened along the way.

Was it because I became clingy? Was it because I didn't have a life besides trying to be with you?

Everyday I hope to move on yet everyday I hope you will text me. I wish that a miracle can happen and suddenly you realize that I was what you needed and wanted. But who are we kidding, reality isn't like that.

I really hope you don't find a girl that is better than me, at least not when I am still in love with you.

I love you, but I love me more

To my annoying love,

This is a message to you that you may never read. I don't know how else to express my thoughts and feelings without a rebuttal from you.

I had so much fun with you when I visited you, we ate so much good food, drank alcohol every night, went clubbing and had fun even though it was just the two of us, had a cute hoverboard date, watched a movie, had a fantastic massage, did tourist things, and most of all just being with you made me smile cheek to cheek. I don't know about you but it felt right, right there and then holding your hand, kissing you and hugging you. I thought we were perfect, I was so happy, and it's sad that you weren't on the same page with me.

I went way above and beyond to get you to be on the same level with me, forgot my pride and forgot my dignity. 

I did everything I could to make you smile and laugh and tried to catch a glimpse of hope from you. Did you even realize that I forgot myself to try and make you happy? It is such a waste loving something that cannot be loved. People may look at me like I'm a pathetic doormat, but for me, having this much love and trying to give it to someone is a blessing. And one day someone will be on the same page with me and shower me with the love that I deserve. You told me you love me but you couldn't give me the time I wanted and needed from you. You never even asked me how much time I wanted, how much time I needed. Whether it was an excuse or not, it was what you said and I can do nothing but believe you.

And so I told you that I am going to walk away

Because I can't stay with you and be reminded every single day that I felt right and you felt wrong. As much as I want to stay with you as a friend and be your rock like I have always been, it is time for me to love myself more than I love you. I left with such a heavy heart, deleting you completely from my life so that I'm not able to return. Many said that maybe if I did this, you will realize what you have lost and come back to me, but I don't care. I don't care anymore on how you feel and what you will do because I have wasted so much energy on you and I was not happy. Sure there is a little bit of hope that you will miss me because I am just human. But right now I want to focus on me, and my own happiness. I am tired of being your second choice, I am tired of fighting for something that does not want to be fought for, I am tired of overthinking things and over analyzing every single thing that you do to me, I am tired of waking up every morning to the image of your face and our fake happy memories and I am tired of hoping.

I pray every night that I am strong enough to just let you go and move on. I can't be stuck here waiting for something that will never come. It is like waiting for the sun to set upwards and the sun to rise downwards. I hope that you one day will find the girl that will be on the same page with you and can love you as much as I do.

No, I don't hope - but that is all I can say to try and be nice to you.

You told me I was a distraction to you, but have I ever been really? I supported everything you wanted to do and was with you 100%. All I wanted from you is to compromise with me. I didn't need you to talk to me 24/7. A single good morning, a single good night, a single 'what are you up to' each day is fine with me. And when you do have the free time, then we can share about our stories and worries. This is how much I love you, I was willing to give up my selfishness for you.

I hope that you will find what you are looking for, be successful like how you always wanted to be. But I hope you don't wake up one day realizing that giving up on love for success was not a good idea. Or maybe you were just not that in love with me in the first place and you just got bored of me and this was all a lie.

I will leave everything here. My thoughts, my feelings, my worries, my hopes, my dreams, and my love, for you. 

I don't know what's going to happen next, but whatever it is, I am going to think of myself first and then you, because your time is done and my time has started.

I miss you and I love you, and one day I hope I can say that I missed you and I loved you.