To the guy who loves me after someone had broken my heart

It is not easy for me to give you my love because the last time I did, I was shattered in pieces.
I believed in love so much - yet when he left me, he took my love, he took my self confidence.

I became empty, soulless, and dark. I stopped believing in happy ever after and I stopped thinking that there is someone out there who will love me as much as you do now.

I need you to be patient with me, because as much as I love you now, I am still traumatised by my past.

I will become paranoid when you're not open with me, I will think that you have another girl beside me. I am afraid that you are lying to me just like he did. I am afraid that this is all temporary just like last time.

Please don't stop believing in me.

Because I will have nights where I will doubt your feelings towards me, I will suddenly cry for some silly reason, get mad at little things. It's not that I'm testing you but I just haven't trust you fully yet.

I will want to know your background, your friends, and your family. Introduce me to them and that will make me happy and trust you more. Knowing that you want people to know you are with me makes me feel safe and secure.

Share me details about you, your likes and dislikes. Let me know what you are afraid of in life, what your ambitions are.

And slowly I will give you my undivided attention. It will take time, but I promise you it's worth it.

I will keep thinking that everyday maybe you will leave me so I try not to be clingy. I try not to show you what I don't like because I'm scared that you won't love me anymore and walk away.

Smile at me and tell me I'm beautiful everyday, this makes me happy.
Make me feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world, and I will make you feel like the luckiest guy as well.

All I ask you is to understand that I'm doing this out of pain.

Love me everyday, and I will be the last to love you one day.

Dear beautiful girl

Dear beautiful girl,

There will come a time where you will meet so many guys who will use you, hurt you, and make you loose your self confidence. Telling you he doesn't want anything serious and you accept that kind of love and you play along cause you're still young. Your heart is like a rock and you still skip along hoping that one day that fairytale love will come and sweep you off your feet. So you keep searching.

And one day there will be a guy who will look like your prince charming, act like your knight and shining armour, and shower you with so much affection that you think this is it. This is the love that you were looking for all this time.

You put your guard down, let him love you and you didn't expect that you will fall for him so fast. Then you start giving him everything you had. Your time, your love, your attention, and your body.

Suddenly that went away really quickly. Your prince charming turned into someone you didn't know existed. A dark monster who leeches on your energy. Asking for your attention when you're not giving him, telling you he loves you one day and doesn't the next. You spend your whole day thinking about how to make him love you back. You get tired, you become exhausted, and you stop believing in love.

Then you start looking for attention from other guys, not because you are looking for love but you just need it to make yourself feel better. You love it when they tell you that you're beautiful. You give them false hope and you become dark. You lost the ability to love, and you thought that you will never get over that monster who hurt you.

But beautiful girl, let me tell you something.

Once you have stopped believing in love, you have stopped believing in yourself. And once you stop believing in yourself, people will stop believing in you.

Don't stop believing in love, because the moment your heart gets broken, you are ready to love so much more the next time you find your real prince charming.

He will come. He will creep slowly and love you slowly because that is how it should be.

And once you can trust him, he can show you the world. He will never stop trying to make you happy, never stop loving you. He will make you feel like you're the luckiest girl in the world, and you will forget about the other guys who have hurt you.

But before you can meet him, you have to still believe in love. You have to get out there and make yourself feel beautiful without the need of attention from other guys. Open your heart and be kind to whoever you meet.

And before you know it, he will be knocking on your doorstep.

Huge Setback

Who would have thought that until the month of November you're still in my life.

We had a beautiful 2 weeks of actually getting close to each other again..but as usual, it fades away quickly.

I feel dumb to believe that maybe this time is different.
I feel dumb to think that this time you will stay.

Wasted all my love and energy for you, my head hurts from the tears I let out when you hurt me once again for the countless times.

I have no idea why I have no self respect for myself to always let you in. Is it because I believe in the existence of change?

You are the center of my Universe and I try to fight it so hard. You are the one that controls my happiness and sadness. Who are you? How can you have such power to do something like that to a little girl like me?

You love these little games do you?

I am nothing but a mere of a single candy from your candy collection.

When will I ever snap out of this and let you go?

It's been too long Stephanie..I tell myself that everyday.

The Littlest Things

It's been weeks and I thought I was getting myself back, I thought I was getting better.

But you keep coming back, even if it's just once every two weeks, that shitty "hey how are you doing", I would fall back down again.

Why do I keep remembering the good parts and not the bad parts? What the hell did you do to me?

You know how much I love you? I love you so much until I notice the littlest things about you. And I'm pretty sure you never notice my littlest things.

I notice that you bite your tongue when you're being cheeky and smiling.
I notice the way you dance when we go out together, that little arm shuffle that you do.
I notice that you get cranky if you don't have your coffee yet.
I notice that you're very quiet during midday and get very talkative in the evening.
I notice that you turn your alarm off 4 times before you really get up.
I notice that you like to watch random documentaries in youtube.
I notice the way you style your hair every morning, you blow dry it, and gel it.
I notice your little sneaky pout when you're trying to make fun of me.
I notice that professional attitude you have when you talk to your work colleagues.
I notice that you want to be so successful and rich, you would do anything to make that come true.
I notice that you read self enriching books about success.
I notice that you like to make your bed before you leave your place.

But you know what else I noticed?

I noticed you didn't remember my birthday.
I noticed you didn't remember the foods that I like.
I noticed you still talked to other girls.
I noticed you never had the interest in my life, never asked unless I told.
I noticed you never pay attention on my worries and my problems.
I noticed you didn't care on how I felt about anything.
I noticed you didn't remember my passion in life.
I noticed you stopped looking at me the way you did in January.
I noticed you didn't want to see me or talk to me as much as I did.
I noticed you never said the word 'I love you" when I have said in millions of times.

I noticed that I love you a hundred times more than you love me.

I hate you

There will be days where I don't find it difficult to live a life without you.
and when I feel like everything is going great, I go back to my own dark zone.

It is like my heart is not allowing me to forget about you, to stop loving you.
Whenever I think I'll be okay and that I'm content with how I feel about you, I fuck up and miss you even more.

Where did all of this go wrong? What the hell did I do? Everyday I think about this and try to dig and dig and dig to find the answer.

Maybe one day I'll understand, but for now I am unable to accept the fact that your feelings just went away that quick. I thought you were different, I thought finally I am able to be comfortable with someone.

I never realized how bad you made me feel. I am traumatized by your love. I am unable to love now, and I think love is bullshit. I don't believe anything a guy tells me now and it's all because of you and your fake promises and your crappy smile.

that fucking smile.

I hate your two front teeth.
I hate your green eyes and how your pupils are big at night and small in the afternoon.
I hate your deep voice and how it calms me down when I listen to you talk.
I hate your cheeky laugh.
I hate your ability to talk back at my sarcasm.
I hate your neatly done blonde hair.
I hate your perfume smell.
I hate your muscles.
I hate your affections towards me everytime we see each other.

I hate your everything.

What do you do when you miss someone?

I miss you alot and my fingers are itching to text you but I know nothing good can come from it. I guess that's why I decided not to text you because I know if I did, it will be another setback for me.

I am scared if I look for you, you do not respond the way I want you to. Especially after you have read my article maybe now you think I'm a pathetic girl. I really want to exit myself out of this fantasy I have of you.

I keep reminding myself that you do not love me, you're just lonely. But as much as I repeat that in my mind, I still want you to be with me. I don't know if this is an obsession or pure love. I'm getting confused myself.

I think of you every minute of every day and it is very tiring but I can't help myself rewinding the good times we had. Even though it was just for a little while. You told me you weren't happy with our relationship before but I really don't understand what I did wrong and what happened along the way.

Was it because I became clingy? Was it because I didn't have a life besides trying to be with you?

Everyday I hope to move on yet everyday I hope you will text me. I wish that a miracle can happen and suddenly you realize that I was what you needed and wanted. But who are we kidding, reality isn't like that.

I really hope you don't find a girl that is better than me, at least not when I am still in love with you.

I love you, but I love me more

To my annoying love,

This is a message to you that you may never read. I don't know how else to express my thoughts and feelings without a rebuttal from you.

I had so much fun with you when I visited you, we ate so much good food, drank alcohol every night, went clubbing and had fun even though it was just the two of us, had a cute hoverboard date, watched a movie, had a fantastic massage, did tourist things, and most of all just being with you made me smile cheek to cheek. I don't know about you but it felt right, right there and then holding your hand, kissing you and hugging you. I thought we were perfect, I was so happy, and it's sad that you weren't on the same page with me.

I went way above and beyond to get you to be on the same level with me, forgot my pride and forgot my dignity. 

I did everything I could to make you smile and laugh and tried to catch a glimpse of hope from you. Did you even realize that I forgot myself to try and make you happy? It is such a waste loving something that cannot be loved. People may look at me like I'm a pathetic doormat, but for me, having this much love and trying to give it to someone is a blessing. And one day someone will be on the same page with me and shower me with the love that I deserve. You told me you love me but you couldn't give me the time I wanted and needed from you. You never even asked me how much time I wanted, how much time I needed. Whether it was an excuse or not, it was what you said and I can do nothing but believe you.

And so I told you that I am going to walk away

Because I can't stay with you and be reminded every single day that I felt right and you felt wrong. As much as I want to stay with you as a friend and be your rock like I have always been, it is time for me to love myself more than I love you. I left with such a heavy heart, deleting you completely from my life so that I'm not able to return. Many said that maybe if I did this, you will realize what you have lost and come back to me, but I don't care. I don't care anymore on how you feel and what you will do because I have wasted so much energy on you and I was not happy. Sure there is a little bit of hope that you will miss me because I am just human. But right now I want to focus on me, and my own happiness. I am tired of being your second choice, I am tired of fighting for something that does not want to be fought for, I am tired of overthinking things and over analyzing every single thing that you do to me, I am tired of waking up every morning to the image of your face and our fake happy memories and I am tired of hoping.

I pray every night that I am strong enough to just let you go and move on. I can't be stuck here waiting for something that will never come. It is like waiting for the sun to set upwards and the sun to rise downwards. I hope that you one day will find the girl that will be on the same page with you and can love you as much as I do.

No, I don't hope - but that is all I can say to try and be nice to you.

You told me I was a distraction to you, but have I ever been really? I supported everything you wanted to do and was with you 100%. All I wanted from you is to compromise with me. I didn't need you to talk to me 24/7. A single good morning, a single good night, a single 'what are you up to' each day is fine with me. And when you do have the free time, then we can share about our stories and worries. This is how much I love you, I was willing to give up my selfishness for you.

I hope that you will find what you are looking for, be successful like how you always wanted to be. But I hope you don't wake up one day realizing that giving up on love for success was not a good idea. Or maybe you were just not that in love with me in the first place and you just got bored of me and this was all a lie.

I will leave everything here. My thoughts, my feelings, my worries, my hopes, my dreams, and my love, for you. 

I don't know what's going to happen next, but whatever it is, I am going to think of myself first and then you, because your time is done and my time has started.

I miss you and I love you, and one day I hope I can say that I missed you and I loved you.