Move On

Moving on

that one sentence can be so difficult for us. Saying it is easy, but when it comes to doing it, it's like your whole body rejects to the idea of moving on.

It didn't matter if he was nice, or a total asshole. We still can't move on that easily.

Is it because humans always want what they can't have? The more we don't have it the more we think we want it but when we have it again, we go back to our normal behaviour.

I can't wait for that day

I can't wait for the day I can finally say "I'm over you!" and just skip along. But until that day comes, all I do is try to remember to good times I have with that special someone. Even though we had more bad times than the good times, the bad times starts disappearing from your mind and only the good ones are left.

When we want to text them cause we miss them badly, our brain goes "go on, there's no harm in texting him". And then we do......aaannddd then we regret it cause usually he doesn't reply the way you want him to.

Everyday we try to avoid thinking about him. Going out with friends, if you can 24/7, so that you don't have the time to sit down in an empty room and start thinking about him and start stalking his social media profiles.

When will I stop loving him?

A question on every girl's mind when her heart is torn into pieces. When nobody has the answer to it, and all we are left is that empty aching feeling inside. We can't eat, can't sleep, and all we want to do is to be in his arms.

Damn, love is pathetic.

Fear

Change

why are humans so afraid of change? We naturally reject the idea of change.
Were we made for something constant for our entire life?

We are so comfortable with our current situation whether good or bad and always fear of choosing the danger option.

In our mid 20's I feel like we should be taking risks and chances and see what the world can offer. But how to beat fear? I wish we can just tell what our minds should think about and stop worrying about things that we cannot control.

I'm torn in between. Should I stay with my current situation? Or should I try something different and risk it all?

I hope that whatever I choose it can bring happiness to me. I need a change, but do I need it that bad?

Should I stay in the big city where it's a dog eat dog world, fast paced, competitive, but unchallenging for me? Or should I stay in a quiet town where everyone is relaxed but I need to drop my lifestyle and change as a person?

I think it's a good opportunity for me to change. Be a little bit more down to Earth, see what relaxation can bring me. But I'm scared of saying goodbye to my spending habits, offdays, and friends. 3 years of living luxuriously and not caring about the world. All I do is fly, serve passengers, reach the hotel and chill.

What to do? My gut tells me to do it, but my heart keeps stopping midway in the idea of moving.

I wonder

I wonder if you think about me

I wonder if you have ever cried for me
I wonder if you have ever looked at my pictures and smile
I wonder if you have ever looked at my name and check whether I was online or not
I wonder if it gave you a heart rush if I was online

I wonder if you wanted to see or talk to me like I do

I wonder if you couldn't function because you were too sad about me
I wonder if you just stared at the walls, wishing this would be over soon
I wonder if you kept repeating the good times we had in your mind

I wonder if you did all those things like I did

I wonder if you locked yourself in your room cause you didn't feel like seeing the world or even living
I wonder if all you did was smoke your cigarettes and look at the sky through your window
I wonder if all you could talk about with your friends was about me

I wonder if you felt the way I did

I wonder if you wanted to post things online just to show me you're doing great, even though it's all a lie
I wonder if you are scared to see me have another guy
I wonder if your heart beats fast and you feel like you miss me alot everytime you wake up

I wonder if you will ever want me like I do

I wonder if you can ever love me the way I do

Questions, questions

And so he left

He left without the desire to see me, without the proper closure that I needed.
I wonder everyday on what he was thinking about, why does he keep coming, leaving, coming, and leaving.

Did he just kept coming because he was afraid to lose a fan?

It wasn't fair, what you did to me.

Telling me he wanted to see me and then cancelled last minute, it broke my heart. Any normal person would probably get sick of this behaviour, and yet I still was able to forgive him. Was I a weak person? Or was I a strong kind hearted person?

Why do we let someone we love do unfair things to us?

Is it because the more you don't have it, the more you want it? I wonder if things were great with him and I, would I actually love him this much?

So many questions yet nobody can answer me. It's draining my energy and I'm tired of feeling this way.
I fear the day he will meet someone new and totally forget about me, what if during that time, I haven't forgotten about him?

I'm scared for something I can't control. I'm scared of losing him even though I don't even have him anymore.

I don't hate him, I understand where he's coming from. I understand why he couldn't love me the way I did to him.

I just hate the situation that I am in, and I pray every single night for God to take this pain away.

When you sleep

As I lay down next to you when you sleep,

I ponder on how can something so pure, so innocent, and so perfect, was placed at the right people at the wrong time.
And I wonder why would the universe waste such valuable love on two people who could never be, and who could never see that what they had was something that could set them free.

Is it not what it seems? Is it not meant to be?
I searched for an answer in you, but I'm at a lost on what to do.

To my present love - my happiness, my sadness.
I could place my hand in yours yet I could never feel your touch.
I could look into your eyes yet I could not see my reflection.
I could speak to you in words yet I could not hear my own voice.

And only when you sleep,
it is then I feel like I'm yours, and you are mine.

- 00.40 am (24/05/16)

Uneven

It seems that I could never let him go. When I thought I was done last time and decided to part ways with him, things always come back again.

Everytime we saw each other we couldn't let go of one another. At least that's what I thought until today.

"I don't feel the same way about you anymore"

Those words came out from his mouth at 2 am in the morning when I couldn't sleep and I woke him up to talk about us.

If he didn't feel the same way, why does he keep having me around? Why does he keep hugging me, kissing me the way he used to? How could somebody unlike someone that fast?

Those questions circled around my brain and he didn't have the answer to them. It was just how he felt.

When feelings are uneven, who is it to blame? 

How could this happen when everything was going really great?

Everyday I felt stupid, fooled and played. Following him around like a lost puppy when he on the other hand wanted to put me up for adoption.

My friends kept telling me that I was a fool and that he wasn't into me anymore. I couldn't believe them. How could I? When every time I see him it felt right. How could I feel right and he felt wrong? Did I miss something along the way or did he? I gave him everything I had to try and make him love me back but it was never enough, he just kept slipping away.

He said it was just wrong timing. But when will it be the right time? I have never felt about this to man in my entire life and when I gave it all, it was crushed into pieces.

No, not just crushed - it was crushed into pieces, put into one box, placed on a dirty road, got shat on by a deer, and ran over by a truck.

How to let go of someone you love so much? You keep hoping and hoping and hoping. I just want to move on so that I could forget we ever had a relationship, forget we ever knew each other, overall I want to,

Forget about him.