Huge Setback

Who would have thought that until the month of November you're still in my life.

We had a beautiful 2 weeks of actually getting close to each other again..but as usual, it fades away quickly.

I feel dumb to believe that maybe this time is different.
I feel dumb to think that this time you will stay.

Wasted all my love and energy for you, my head hurts from the tears I let out when you hurt me once again for the countless times.

I have no idea why I have no self respect for myself to always let you in. Is it because I believe in the existence of change?

You are the center of my Universe and I try to fight it so hard. You are the one that controls my happiness and sadness. Who are you? How can you have such power to do something like that to a little girl like me?

You love these little games do you?

I am nothing but a mere of a single candy from your candy collection.

When will I ever snap out of this and let you go?

It's been too long Stephanie..I tell myself that everyday.

The Littlest Things

It's been weeks and I thought I was getting myself back, I thought I was getting better.

But you keep coming back, even if it's just once every two weeks, that shitty "hey how are you doing", I would fall back down again.

Why do I keep remembering the good parts and not the bad parts? What the hell did you do to me?

You know how much I love you? I love you so much until I notice the littlest things about you. And I'm pretty sure you never notice my littlest things.

I notice that you bite your tongue when you're being cheeky and smiling.
I notice the way you dance when we go out together, that little arm shuffle that you do.
I notice that you get cranky if you don't have your coffee yet.
I notice that you're very quiet during midday and get very talkative in the evening.
I notice that you turn your alarm off 4 times before you really get up.
I notice that you like to watch random documentaries in youtube.
I notice the way you style your hair every morning, you blow dry it, and gel it.
I notice your little sneaky pout when you're trying to make fun of me.
I notice that professional attitude you have when you talk to your work colleagues.
I notice that you want to be so successful and rich, you would do anything to make that come true.
I notice that you read self enriching books about success.
I notice that you like to make your bed before you leave your place.

But you know what else I noticed?

I noticed you didn't remember my birthday.
I noticed you didn't remember the foods that I like.
I noticed you still talked to other girls.
I noticed you never had the interest in my life, never asked unless I told.
I noticed you never pay attention on my worries and my problems.
I noticed you didn't care on how I felt about anything.
I noticed you didn't remember my passion in life.
I noticed you stopped looking at me the way you did in January.
I noticed you didn't want to see me or talk to me as much as I did.
I noticed you never said the word 'I love you" when I have said in millions of times.

I noticed that I love you a hundred times more than you love me.

I hate you

There will be days where I don't find it difficult to live a life without you.
and when I feel like everything is going great, I go back to my own dark zone.

It is like my heart is not allowing me to forget about you, to stop loving you.
Whenever I think I'll be okay and that I'm content with how I feel about you, I fuck up and miss you even more.

Where did all of this go wrong? What the hell did I do? Everyday I think about this and try to dig and dig and dig to find the answer.

Maybe one day I'll understand, but for now I am unable to accept the fact that your feelings just went away that quick. I thought you were different, I thought finally I am able to be comfortable with someone.

I never realized how bad you made me feel. I am traumatized by your love. I am unable to love now, and I think love is bullshit. I don't believe anything a guy tells me now and it's all because of you and your fake promises and your crappy smile.

that fucking smile.

I hate your two front teeth.
I hate your green eyes and how your pupils are big at night and small in the afternoon.
I hate your deep voice and how it calms me down when I listen to you talk.
I hate your cheeky laugh.
I hate your ability to talk back at my sarcasm.
I hate your neatly done blonde hair.
I hate your perfume smell.
I hate your muscles.
I hate your affections towards me everytime we see each other.

I hate your everything.

What do you do when you miss someone?

I miss you alot and my fingers are itching to text you but I know nothing good can come from it. I guess that's why I decided not to text you because I know if I did, it will be another setback for me.

I am scared if I look for you, you do not respond the way I want you to. Especially after you have read my article maybe now you think I'm a pathetic girl. I really want to exit myself out of this fantasy I have of you.

I keep reminding myself that you do not love me, you're just lonely. But as much as I repeat that in my mind, I still want you to be with me. I don't know if this is an obsession or pure love. I'm getting confused myself.

I think of you every minute of every day and it is very tiring but I can't help myself rewinding the good times we had. Even though it was just for a little while. You told me you weren't happy with our relationship before but I really don't understand what I did wrong and what happened along the way.

Was it because I became clingy? Was it because I didn't have a life besides trying to be with you?

Everyday I hope to move on yet everyday I hope you will text me. I wish that a miracle can happen and suddenly you realize that I was what you needed and wanted. But who are we kidding, reality isn't like that.

I really hope you don't find a girl that is better than me, at least not when I am still in love with you.

I love you, but I love me more

To my annoying love,

This is a message to you that you may never read. I don't know how else to express my thoughts and feelings without a rebuttal from you.

I had so much fun with you when I visited you, we ate so much good food, drank alcohol every night, went clubbing and had fun even though it was just the two of us, had a cute hoverboard date, watched a movie, had a fantastic massage, did tourist things, and most of all just being with you made me smile cheek to cheek. I don't know about you but it felt right, right there and then holding your hand, kissing you and hugging you. I thought we were perfect, I was so happy, and it's sad that you weren't on the same page with me.

I went way above and beyond to get you to be on the same level with me, forgot my pride and forgot my dignity. 

I did everything I could to make you smile and laugh and tried to catch a glimpse of hope from you. Did you even realize that I forgot myself to try and make you happy? It is such a waste loving something that cannot be loved. People may look at me like I'm a pathetic doormat, but for me, having this much love and trying to give it to someone is a blessing. And one day someone will be on the same page with me and shower me with the love that I deserve. You told me you love me but you couldn't give me the time I wanted and needed from you. You never even asked me how much time I wanted, how much time I needed. Whether it was an excuse or not, it was what you said and I can do nothing but believe you.

And so I told you that I am going to walk away

Because I can't stay with you and be reminded every single day that I felt right and you felt wrong. As much as I want to stay with you as a friend and be your rock like I have always been, it is time for me to love myself more than I love you. I left with such a heavy heart, deleting you completely from my life so that I'm not able to return. Many said that maybe if I did this, you will realize what you have lost and come back to me, but I don't care. I don't care anymore on how you feel and what you will do because I have wasted so much energy on you and I was not happy. Sure there is a little bit of hope that you will miss me because I am just human. But right now I want to focus on me, and my own happiness. I am tired of being your second choice, I am tired of fighting for something that does not want to be fought for, I am tired of overthinking things and over analyzing every single thing that you do to me, I am tired of waking up every morning to the image of your face and our fake happy memories and I am tired of hoping.

I pray every night that I am strong enough to just let you go and move on. I can't be stuck here waiting for something that will never come. It is like waiting for the sun to set upwards and the sun to rise downwards. I hope that you one day will find the girl that will be on the same page with you and can love you as much as I do.

No, I don't hope - but that is all I can say to try and be nice to you.

You told me I was a distraction to you, but have I ever been really? I supported everything you wanted to do and was with you 100%. All I wanted from you is to compromise with me. I didn't need you to talk to me 24/7. A single good morning, a single good night, a single 'what are you up to' each day is fine with me. And when you do have the free time, then we can share about our stories and worries. This is how much I love you, I was willing to give up my selfishness for you.

I hope that you will find what you are looking for, be successful like how you always wanted to be. But I hope you don't wake up one day realizing that giving up on love for success was not a good idea. Or maybe you were just not that in love with me in the first place and you just got bored of me and this was all a lie.

I will leave everything here. My thoughts, my feelings, my worries, my hopes, my dreams, and my love, for you. 

I don't know what's going to happen next, but whatever it is, I am going to think of myself first and then you, because your time is done and my time has started.

I miss you and I love you, and one day I hope I can say that I missed you and I loved you.

To the one who broke my heart yet still clings on to me

It still hurts when you are in my life

It's been months that we officially broke up and yet you still linger in my life.
You would still text me, call me, giving me the biggest hope that maybe you will come back to me.
I thought I was fine with what you're doing but you kept dragging me back into the deep dark well.

I want to move on, I want to feel like myself again.

But as much as I want to let you go, I can't because I still love you and it never ceased. Even though I know you are still in contact with me because you are just lonely, I would ignore that fact and keep hoping for a miracle to happen. Maybe, just maybe, if I keep doing this with you, you will regret your decision and miss being with me.

the words "I miss you" comes out from your drunken mouth from time to time, and it made me wonder that maybe you actually do because obviously drunk people always tell the truth.

My friends always tell me that I'm stupid to keep letting you do this to me, to keep holding on. But what if, if I held on longer, things will get better?

You are in my mind 24/7 yet am I in yours? Do you just look for me when you have no girls responding the way you want them to?

I never asked much from you, just your love.

Why was it so hard for you to commit to me? What am I taking so much from you that you can't give up? I guess I wasn't that important to you.

You like me but you like your single life more.

I was so sure that I could make you happy, I could feel it inside that we were meant to be. How could you felt wrong when I felt right?

To my present love, I wish that you could stop doing what you're doing to me. Stop clinging on to me just because there is nobody that can be there for you like I can right now. One day, when a girl that is better than me comes into your life, I'm the one that's gonna get hurt. You keep giving me mixed signals and I can't let go because I love the idea of being with you.

I don't have the courage to tell you to let me go, so please have the courage to stop being in my life and let me find peace. Do it for me because you care, because you feel bad.

If you don't want me, you can't have me at all.

Move On

Moving on

that one sentence can be so difficult for us. Saying it is easy, but when it comes to doing it, it's like your whole body rejects to the idea of moving on.

It didn't matter if he was nice, or a total asshole. We still can't move on that easily.

Is it because humans always want what they can't have? The more we don't have it the more we think we want it but when we have it again, we go back to our normal behaviour.

I can't wait for that day

I can't wait for the day I can finally say "I'm over you!" and just skip along. But until that day comes, all I do is try to remember to good times I have with that special someone. Even though we had more bad times than the good times, the bad times starts disappearing from your mind and only the good ones are left.

When we want to text them cause we miss them badly, our brain goes "go on, there's no harm in texting him". And then we do......aaannddd then we regret it cause usually he doesn't reply the way you want him to.

Everyday we try to avoid thinking about him. Going out with friends, if you can 24/7, so that you don't have the time to sit down in an empty room and start thinking about him and start stalking his social media profiles.

When will I stop loving him?

A question on every girl's mind when her heart is torn into pieces. When nobody has the answer to it, and all we are left is that empty aching feeling inside. We can't eat, can't sleep, and all we want to do is to be in his arms.

Damn, love is pathetic.

Fear

Change

why are humans so afraid of change? We naturally reject the idea of change.
Were we made for something constant for our entire life?

We are so comfortable with our current situation whether good or bad and always fear of choosing the danger option.

In our mid 20's I feel like we should be taking risks and chances and see what the world can offer. But how to beat fear? I wish we can just tell what our minds should think about and stop worrying about things that we cannot control.

I'm torn in between. Should I stay with my current situation? Or should I try something different and risk it all?

I hope that whatever I choose it can bring happiness to me. I need a change, but do I need it that bad?

Should I stay in the big city where it's a dog eat dog world, fast paced, competitive, but unchallenging for me? Or should I stay in a quiet town where everyone is relaxed but I need to drop my lifestyle and change as a person?

I think it's a good opportunity for me to change. Be a little bit more down to Earth, see what relaxation can bring me. But I'm scared of saying goodbye to my spending habits, offdays, and friends. 3 years of living luxuriously and not caring about the world. All I do is fly, serve passengers, reach the hotel and chill.

What to do? My gut tells me to do it, but my heart keeps stopping midway in the idea of moving.

I wonder

I wonder if you think about me

I wonder if you have ever cried for me
I wonder if you have ever looked at my pictures and smile
I wonder if you have ever looked at my name and check whether I was online or not
I wonder if it gave you a heart rush if I was online

I wonder if you wanted to see or talk to me like I do

I wonder if you couldn't function because you were too sad about me
I wonder if you just stared at the walls, wishing this would be over soon
I wonder if you kept repeating the good times we had in your mind

I wonder if you did all those things like I did

I wonder if you locked yourself in your room cause you didn't feel like seeing the world or even living
I wonder if all you did was smoke your cigarettes and look at the sky through your window
I wonder if all you could talk about with your friends was about me

I wonder if you felt the way I did

I wonder if you wanted to post things online just to show me you're doing great, even though it's all a lie
I wonder if you are scared to see me have another guy
I wonder if your heart beats fast and you feel like you miss me alot everytime you wake up

I wonder if you will ever want me like I do

I wonder if you can ever love me the way I do

Questions, questions

And so he left

He left without the desire to see me, without the proper closure that I needed.
I wonder everyday on what he was thinking about, why does he keep coming, leaving, coming, and leaving.

Did he just kept coming because he was afraid to lose a fan?

It wasn't fair, what you did to me.

Telling me he wanted to see me and then cancelled last minute, it broke my heart. Any normal person would probably get sick of this behaviour, and yet I still was able to forgive him. Was I a weak person? Or was I a strong kind hearted person?

Why do we let someone we love do unfair things to us?

Is it because the more you don't have it, the more you want it? I wonder if things were great with him and I, would I actually love him this much?

So many questions yet nobody can answer me. It's draining my energy and I'm tired of feeling this way.
I fear the day he will meet someone new and totally forget about me, what if during that time, I haven't forgotten about him?

I'm scared for something I can't control. I'm scared of losing him even though I don't even have him anymore.

I don't hate him, I understand where he's coming from. I understand why he couldn't love me the way I did to him.

I just hate the situation that I am in, and I pray every single night for God to take this pain away.

When you sleep

As I lay down next to you when you sleep,

I ponder on how can something so pure, so innocent, and so perfect, was placed at the right people at the wrong time.
And I wonder why would the universe waste such valuable love on two people who could never be, and who could never see that what they had was something that could set them free.

Is it not what it seems? Is it not meant to be?
I searched for an answer in you, but I'm at a lost on what to do.

To my present love - my happiness, my sadness.
I could place my hand in yours yet I could never feel your touch.
I could look into your eyes yet I could not see my reflection.
I could speak to you in words yet I could not hear my own voice.

And only when you sleep,
it is then I feel like I'm yours, and you are mine.

- 00.40 am (24/05/16)

Uneven

It seems that I could never let him go. When I thought I was done last time and decided to part ways with him, things always come back again.

Everytime we saw each other we couldn't let go of one another. At least that's what I thought until today.

"I don't feel the same way about you anymore"

Those words came out from his mouth at 2 am in the morning when I couldn't sleep and I woke him up to talk about us.

If he didn't feel the same way, why does he keep having me around? Why does he keep hugging me, kissing me the way he used to? How could somebody unlike someone that fast?

Those questions circled around my brain and he didn't have the answer to them. It was just how he felt.

When feelings are uneven, who is it to blame? 

How could this happen when everything was going really great?

Everyday I felt stupid, fooled and played. Following him around like a lost puppy when he on the other hand wanted to put me up for adoption.

My friends kept telling me that I was a fool and that he wasn't into me anymore. I couldn't believe them. How could I? When every time I see him it felt right. How could I feel right and he felt wrong? Did I miss something along the way or did he? I gave him everything I had to try and make him love me back but it was never enough, he just kept slipping away.

He said it was just wrong timing. But when will it be the right time? I have never felt about this to man in my entire life and when I gave it all, it was crushed into pieces.

No, not just crushed - it was crushed into pieces, put into one box, placed on a dirty road, got shat on by a deer, and ran over by a truck.

How to let go of someone you love so much? You keep hoping and hoping and hoping. I just want to move on so that I could forget we ever had a relationship, forget we ever knew each other, overall I want to,

Forget about him.

Dysthymia

Dysthymia

It was written on the assessment part of Dr. Chua's page.

Is this really happening? I always thought I had something but I never realized that it could be real.

Dysthymia - mild long term depression
Emotionally labile

That explains the anxiety attacks, the uneasy feeling I have everyday, the insecurities I have.

She asked me to define a happy day, and I couldn't answer her. I told her that I don't remember a day where I think everything is ok. This has been going on for years and I couldn't remember when was the last time I felt genuinely happy. I felt sick and sad for myself.

She asked me whether I wanted to kill myself, and I said if I had a choice to die without feeling the pain, I would do it in a split second.

Why did the universe never allowed me to be happy?

I realized that I needed to have a drama free life, cut everything that makes me feel insecure and sad. So at the end I knew what I had to do. Get rid of him.

Sure I will be sad and I will miss him so much, but I think in the long run it would be better. Less stress, less worry.

So at the end I went to his place, told him my story, and he freaked out even more. I knew this was coming, but I had a little hope that maybe he would say "I'm with you and I can be your comfort zone." . I know it was silly, this was not lala unicorn rainbow poop land. Instead he told me that we couldn't be together cause he could not commit to me and he knows that he's going to hurt me eventually. Again, he had set us to fail even before we tried.

Finally we talked for a good 2 hours and at the end agreed the best outcome was to part ways. I told him I love him, and I was sad that he couldn't love me as much as I love him. I guess it'll be easier on him to move on and forget about me.

It was so hard to let go of the idea of being with him.

I miss him already. But I know this is going to be good for me and I'll look back and thank him that he didn't want me. Because I deserve the best love there is. I deserve a crazy happy fun over the heels for each other love.

I deserve a comfort zone. I deserve pure love.

Stuck

So in the end we met, made up, and things kind of came back to where it stopped.

I thought that one month he might have changed, maybe he realized that what he did was wrong. Sure he knew he took a decision too fast, but I don't think that he even changed.

Am I falling back in his well?

I've managed to get halfway out and then I let go of the rope. Drenched in his sweet words, actions, and lies.

I'm disappointed that he just wants me when he doesn't have me. And when he does, he goes back to the usual habit. I really want to let go but why can't I?

Why can't I release myself from his trap?

He made it pretty blunt that this is just fun and games for him and he sees nothing more to it. Sure he likes me, but I'll never be someone he can be with forever. I wish I could think the same and relax but unfortunately I don't work like that.

I'm looking for real love, the love where you just let things flow and if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. I don't want a love that is set from the beginning. What's the point of trying if you've set something to fail before it began?

I want a mutual love, where I know I love him and he loves me. Where I don't need to worry that he will leave me because I trust him and he makes the effort to keep my trust. Where I know that both of us are trying every single day.

Why can't he feel the same way?

I thought I would be happier if I was with him, but it gave me more anxiety and stress instead. It's silly isn't it? To stay at such a toxic relationship.

How to run away from you?

Regret

It's been a month since it was over.

As told by sex and the city, it takes half of the total amount of time you were together with someone to get over them.

But why can't I get over him?

When I thought my tears were done for him, it comes back again. Reminiscing the times we were together, sugar coating all the insecurities he made me feel. I remember how he used to love me so much in the beginning and suddenly just stopped out of nowhere when I was starting to love him back.

Is this a curse? Do women always fall for men who stopped chasing after them?

I wonder every night about whether he thinks about me before he goes to sleep as much as I think about him. I wonder if he misses me, if he wanted to talk to me. It's silly isn't it? To put so much thought on someone who might not even care about you.

I hate how he could control how I feel, how he could control my emotions and play God.

Funny part is - he doesn't even know it.

I wait every single day for him to come back. I know at the back of my mind that it will never happen, but what if? What if?

I'm meeting him this Saturday. We're hanging out so that he could return my stuff. I know that this will not have a good ending and I'll go back to ground zero. I know I will get hurt so much by seeing him and knowing that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. But again, what if?
What if when he sees me, he realizes how much he misses me? Maybe he might regret leaving me.

Why am I setting my own trap?

We shouldn't have even done this in the first place.

I regret the day I met you, the day I let you in, the day I introduced you to my friends and family, and the day you broke my heart.

Love in the golden years

What is Love?

I guess that's what every 20-29 y.o girl would ask. What is the meaning of love? Have we ever felt it before? Was our past relationship with our exes close to love?

It is in these golden years that women are forced to learn about loving someone, and if lucky, be loved in return. Sometimes, we are so focused on playing the game until we forget who ourselves are. We are so driven into finding the perfect one who will share the same passion, and goals - and sometimes we will change our passion just to make the person you love, love you more.

It's true, love is a battlefield - There are tactics, and there are game plans. 

If you play it wrong, love becomes tiring, love becomes confusing, and love becomes draining.

To all the girls who have been in a long term relationship, congratulations. You have made a man stick around with you for quiet a while and that's a good game plan.

But to all the girls who were lied to, you are not alone. You meet this great guy with good potential- you doubt him at first but then you get to know him and he tried everything to make you fall for him. And the shitty part is - when you do, they get bored and leave, giving you 1001 reasons on why they're leaving.

"oh we don't have the same vision"
"I don't think our personalities match"
"it's not you, it's me"
"I'm not ready to commit"
"you are so worth it, but I'm not the guy for you right now"
"I'm broken, you're perfect"

blablablablabla, am I right?

The truth is, they just lost the spark. They lost the attraction and the only way to make you not feel like shit is to say all these things. But guys, we're not stupid. We know you're bored, why can't you just tell us the truth? We're not teenagers anymore, we can handle the truth.

The saddest part of this is what they don't know how it affect girls. How it affects our self worth, and it makes us feel that we're not beautiful enough, good enough, smart enough for those assholes. (pardon my french)

And the only question that will be on a girl's mind is -

Why was it so easy for you to let me go?

And the waiting game starts. We wait for their texts or calls, wondering maybe they will want us back if we give them space. but the truth is ladies,

If they want to be with you, they will be with you.

If they want to talk to you, they will talk to you. The thing is - they don't and that's where you have to understand that you've lost.
Love is harsh, and you've lost the game. Your game plan and their game plan did not match. But it's totally OK, it's not the end of the world.

What I've learnt from my past experiences is that, only time will heal your wound. You can tell everyone about how much you are hurting but the pain will not go away. And your only medication is gone. It's like a drug addict on rehab. You just have to wait it out.

But for me, I didn't stay in my room for that long. I started doing things - sports, activities, and socializing. Why should we waste our life for someone who doesn't even care about us?

Why should we love someone who aren't even willing to love us back?

I started remembering who I was, and discovered more of myself. I started meeting new people and make new friends.

I met this guy once in Hong Kong while I was out with my friends, then we went on a date the next day. Turns out he was a graduate of psychology major. I guess you can call it fate, and fate was knocking on my door to open my eyes. We started talking and he realized that I was recently hurt by someone because I was bitter and very negative towards every flirt, and every move he tried to make. Then he held my face and said,

"Stephanie, you have so much confidence in you yet you don't even know it. Relax and let go, and people will be drawn to you."

This changed my perspectives on everything, that one random guy shed a light to my life. And I'm going to tell you the same thing

You are a confident woman, believe in yourself and see the changes around you.

After that date, we said goodbye and I never talked to him again but his words stayed in my heart. And so I did let go, I embraced my confidence and I literally started to see the change in myself. I was able to talk to anyone I wanted, made anyone I wanted approach me. I became happier and free. I'm not gonna lie and say my pain is gone. It's still there and I'm still grieving, but the pain I feel keeps me moving forward.

I guess I should thank that asshole who broke my heart.

Because you left, I found myself. And that is something I will never find from being with you.

repeat

take me to your dreams tonight
closing my eyes with so much fright
into the stars into the twilight
baby I can't deal with this fight

when you think its forever, and you think its eternal
the devils made you remember, and it is still deferral

locking the feelings all up in your palm
thinking that it will go away when you calm
its not forever, its not eternal

another one dashes another one come

its all a big round, a cycle of defeat
live, love, leave and repeat