Dysthymia

Dysthymia

It was written on the assessment part of Dr. Chua's page.

Is this really happening? I always thought I had something but I never realized that it could be real.

Dysthymia - mild long term depression
Emotionally labile

That explains the anxiety attacks, the uneasy feeling I have everyday, the insecurities I have.

She asked me to define a happy day, and I couldn't answer her. I told her that I don't remember a day where I think everything is ok. This has been going on for years and I couldn't remember when was the last time I felt genuinely happy. I felt sick and sad for myself.

She asked me whether I wanted to kill myself, and I said if I had a choice to die without feeling the pain, I would do it in a split second.

Why did the universe never allowed me to be happy?

I realized that I needed to have a drama free life, cut everything that makes me feel insecure and sad. So at the end I knew what I had to do. Get rid of him.

Sure I will be sad and I will miss him so much, but I think in the long run it would be better. Less stress, less worry.

So at the end I went to his place, told him my story, and he freaked out even more. I knew this was coming, but I had a little hope that maybe he would say "I'm with you and I can be your comfort zone." . I know it was silly, this was not lala unicorn rainbow poop land. Instead he told me that we couldn't be together cause he could not commit to me and he knows that he's going to hurt me eventually. Again, he had set us to fail even before we tried.

Finally we talked for a good 2 hours and at the end agreed the best outcome was to part ways. I told him I love him, and I was sad that he couldn't love me as much as I love him. I guess it'll be easier on him to move on and forget about me.

It was so hard to let go of the idea of being with him.

I miss him already. But I know this is going to be good for me and I'll look back and thank him that he didn't want me. Because I deserve the best love there is. I deserve a crazy happy fun over the heels for each other love.

I deserve a comfort zone. I deserve pure love.

Stuck

So in the end we met, made up, and things kind of came back to where it stopped.

I thought that one month he might have changed, maybe he realized that what he did was wrong. Sure he knew he took a decision too fast, but I don't think that he even changed.

Am I falling back in his well?

I've managed to get halfway out and then I let go of the rope. Drenched in his sweet words, actions, and lies.

I'm disappointed that he just wants me when he doesn't have me. And when he does, he goes back to the usual habit. I really want to let go but why can't I?

Why can't I release myself from his trap?

He made it pretty blunt that this is just fun and games for him and he sees nothing more to it. Sure he likes me, but I'll never be someone he can be with forever. I wish I could think the same and relax but unfortunately I don't work like that.

I'm looking for real love, the love where you just let things flow and if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. I don't want a love that is set from the beginning. What's the point of trying if you've set something to fail before it began?

I want a mutual love, where I know I love him and he loves me. Where I don't need to worry that he will leave me because I trust him and he makes the effort to keep my trust. Where I know that both of us are trying every single day.

Why can't he feel the same way?

I thought I would be happier if I was with him, but it gave me more anxiety and stress instead. It's silly isn't it? To stay at such a toxic relationship.

How to run away from you?

Regret

It's been a month since it was over.

As told by sex and the city, it takes half of the total amount of time you were together with someone to get over them.

But why can't I get over him?

When I thought my tears were done for him, it comes back again. Reminiscing the times we were together, sugar coating all the insecurities he made me feel. I remember how he used to love me so much in the beginning and suddenly just stopped out of nowhere when I was starting to love him back.

Is this a curse? Do women always fall for men who stopped chasing after them?

I wonder every night about whether he thinks about me before he goes to sleep as much as I think about him. I wonder if he misses me, if he wanted to talk to me. It's silly isn't it? To put so much thought on someone who might not even care about you.

I hate how he could control how I feel, how he could control my emotions and play God.

Funny part is - he doesn't even know it.

I wait every single day for him to come back. I know at the back of my mind that it will never happen, but what if? What if?

I'm meeting him this Saturday. We're hanging out so that he could return my stuff. I know that this will not have a good ending and I'll go back to ground zero. I know I will get hurt so much by seeing him and knowing that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. But again, what if?
What if when he sees me, he realizes how much he misses me? Maybe he might regret leaving me.

Why am I setting my own trap?

We shouldn't have even done this in the first place.

I regret the day I met you, the day I let you in, the day I introduced you to my friends and family, and the day you broke my heart.