Dysthymia

Dysthymia

It was written on the assessment part of Dr. Chua's page.

Is this really happening? I always thought I had something but I never realized that it could be real.

Dysthymia - mild long term depression
Emotionally labile

That explains the anxiety attacks, the uneasy feeling I have everyday, the insecurities I have.

She asked me to define a happy day, and I couldn't answer her. I told her that I don't remember a day where I think everything is ok. This has been going on for years and I couldn't remember when was the last time I felt genuinely happy. I felt sick and sad for myself.

She asked me whether I wanted to kill myself, and I said if I had a choice to die without feeling the pain, I would do it in a split second.

Why did the universe never allowed me to be happy?

I realized that I needed to have a drama free life, cut everything that makes me feel insecure and sad. So at the end I knew what I had to do. Get rid of him.

Sure I will be sad and I will miss him so much, but I think in the long run it would be better. Less stress, less worry.

So at the end I went to his place, told him my story, and he freaked out even more. I knew this was coming, but I had a little hope that maybe he would say "I'm with you and I can be your comfort zone." . I know it was silly, this was not lala unicorn rainbow poop land. Instead he told me that we couldn't be together cause he could not commit to me and he knows that he's going to hurt me eventually. Again, he had set us to fail even before we tried.

Finally we talked for a good 2 hours and at the end agreed the best outcome was to part ways. I told him I love him, and I was sad that he couldn't love me as much as I love him. I guess it'll be easier on him to move on and forget about me.

It was so hard to let go of the idea of being with him.

I miss him already. But I know this is going to be good for me and I'll look back and thank him that he didn't want me. Because I deserve the best love there is. I deserve a crazy happy fun over the heels for each other love.

I deserve a comfort zone. I deserve pure love.